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I think those that understand us, know that we need to be challenged. We are challenging because we need to be challenged! Mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. We need to test our mettle and find out what were made of. My best teachers were the ones who challenged me in a constructive way. I love people who challenge me intellectually. I love friendly competition as it challenges me as well. If left to my own devices, i will always challenge myself 😂

I really cant stand the indecisiveness in others! I used a four-way stop as an example. When everyone is saying "oh, no, you go." "No, you go." and no one goes, IM GOING. Taking action will stop overthinking in its tracks. Sometimes you cant plan things because you need experience to guide you. Decisions can be easy when you feel like you have all the information. Confidence comes from navigating novel experiences. Just having the courage to try can really empower you!

I was so used to longing for happy times past that I had to realise that the times I would long for were today. So every night I give thanks for the day that has passed, because it may not feel like it, but I was happy in the mundanity of it.

This is so on point.

1:10:07 (9 as referee) Growing up with a textbook 6 Dad, I said "Oh, Mom, I don't think that's what Dad meant" and "Dad, you're stressing us all out" a couple times a week at least, from probably age 4 to when I moved out at 23! So accurate it stopped me in my tracks.

Stop equivocating. I’m a 5, and want to be left alone, want to be affirmed, want you to respect my boundaries, and until you started calling me a stinky hoarder you were spot on.😊

I’m a 4w5, your videos on your YT channel are really helping me

I’m an 8w7 and quality time is definitely my love language! It was very interesting when you said that our communication style is commands. I’ve actually been praying for myself for years that I would stop commanding people to do things and instead ask them. But to be honest, it’s natural for me to command-because in my mind, they really don’t have a choice. 🤣

A 7’s superpower is teleportation 😂😂🤣

I'm a 9, and I like/want all 5 of the love languages. As for the 10 needs, the only one that's not high on my list is family involvement (and that's only because I don't have kids 😂).

9 wing 1. Quality time definitely #1 love language. Then physical touch. Gifts not so much. Thanks for a great video.

Great video Dr. Tom!

You're funny 😁 thanks

Some thing I have found to be true as a 5 is that, since I don’t need affection from most people, I do need it from my spouse. My spouse is a 2, though, so it could be me subconsciously meeting his needs!

I'm a 5w4 and you are so right

I believe I 'm a 4sp. For me, quality time with no doubt, and then physical touch. Gifts are stressful to me, and acts of service are a practical thing, and not romantic, they don't work for me romantically speaking. As for the needs, I can't pick one, they all seem so important.😊

I"m self-preservation 4. Thank you for your hugs. It matters a lot. Thank you for your work🙏 I'm starting to like being me

Hi Dr. Tom. A 9 here in St. Paul, MN. (I'm a 9 wing-8 at work because my boss is an 8 wing-7. We have some fun times--and I'm only half joking about that.) The most resonate thing you said about the 9s was: "You are human." Honestly, I often feel like an alien on this planet. Sometimes other people totally disregard me. Not in the mean-spirited "you're-a-waste-of-space" way but because, in general, I'm either pretty agreeable overall or advocating for somebody/something else. Which goes with the territory, I get it--but just to be acknowledged as a human would be huge. Thanks for your light-hearted but profound insights on the Enneagram. It's been fun to watch you grow over the years.

I still have not found a partner since my divorce in 2005, but honestly haven’t done anything much to help me find one. Had a couple flings with some very weird dudes…fun for a couple months but also quite unfulfilling. No one I can really say fits has dropped in my lap, either. As a 9 not so sure why I don’t really feel lonely except to say, keeping it simple is part of it, having a strong spiritual program, work and a great dog fills a lot of my needs and sense of purpose! Hope you are happy and well! Always great to see and hear you! B

Yeah, that makes sense!!! From your loving woodland fairy in Santa Cruz-Barbara!!!

I'm a type 9 and my wife is a type 4. She definitely desires validation, quality time a conversational companion and acts of service. I don't know what my love language is. I don't really treasure anything on the list more than quiet time to myself. Does that fall under quality time?

I'm a 9/1 and I absolutely crave words of affirmation...maybe I need some balance because so many people ignore or run over me. I would say I need all of them, yes except for gifts. I don't really needs gifts much.

Thank you so much Dr Tom for this video. I am a 9 and now understand why picking a love language has always been a challenge for me.

As a 3 I would be surprised to know a 3 is wasting their time doing anything they don’t really wanna do. I’m so sensitive to the value of my time that I can be almost too quick to cut something off if it isn’t yielding immediate results, hobbies, relationships and all. What we really need to embody is the virtue of patience and being so goal/growth oriented wouldn’t necessarily be an issue (for intimacy, true learning and improvement, etc.). Thank you for doing this work Mr. LaHue!

I feel like my eyes are always bigger than my stomach. I need to see what I'm made of! 😂 8w7

Surely, Ones aren't as bad as that! Yes, we can be critical, but we can also be very encouraging. Most Ones I know offer positive feedback in a clear, direct, non-gushing kind of way. We never give fake praise so, when we do praise, it's genuine and therefore worth something. In return, I think the love language we receive best from others would be reliability, trustworthiness and appreciation of all our hard work. So, yes, I agree that acts of service and words of affirmation are right up there. If I'm worked up about something, whatever you do, don't try to calm me down or fail to react. That will annoy me even more. Empathising is the best approach; that and humour. Ones love to laugh, and they're quite witty, in my experience. As such, a one-liner can help me lighten up, but only *after* empathising with what I'm dealing with. A brief, "Yes, those people you're working with really are fools" can work wonders 😉

This was too accurate! My husband's a Type 1 and he loves it when I help around the house (acts of service). I'm a Type 4 and I definitely need quality time/conversational companion/validation & I do need time for my creative endeavours and hate doing mundane tasks!

Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you ❤

It is amazing how well your videos explain my real feelings to myself. Its incredible!! I never encountered another description that fit me so damn well 8w7

verbal sparring and debate is foreplay. i also do like to physically wrestle as foreplay also 🤭

i dont want to pause 😂😝😭

Another great video Tom As a 4 I love to hear it. Especially now That I am learning not to rescue others Especially the under dog And just cut relationships with a friend That likes to make me wrong lots of times. Disrespectful And basically projecting not a good characters on me. Thank you dear

You are so right . Amen 🙏

Thank you for this. I had been trying to reconcile the fact that I seem to be quite "self preserving" while simultaneously showing a pretty marked capacity to be downright socially scintillating at times. When you mentioned the turn to bluntness or criticism (or for me, sometimes straight up castigation) when the politeness isn't 'working', I chuckled, because I swear I do that all the time! I always found it a bit perplexing, in part because I never really feel bad about it or feel this is a thing that I should change, my inner sense was that it seems to serve some kind of necessary function, but now that function or dynamic finally seems to make a whole lot more sense. How wonderful it is when these systems can offer insights like this.

I wish I had seen this 10 or 20 years ago! Now, I need to figure out what to do with this! Thank you, Tom!

Very good presentation. I can recognise a lot of elements I my partners copying reactions. Thank you for your time and effort ❤🙏

Yesh i didnt have a father ither... Lets start by reading some books on stoicisim. Take iff momies shoesis a great start. I was lost too fior a long time

𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑖 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑒 𝑚𝑦 𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑛𝑠?

Wonderful video, keep up wise sir!

Just to "yes, and" onto this, for people (like me) who might watch this video and think, "That all sounds like too much work - why even bother if I know I'm not gonna be able to put in that level of sacrifice?" To you I say: if something is worthwhile, it's worth doing half-assed. It's worth doing quarter-assed. It's worth putting whatever small effort you have available to you at that moment. If you don't have the energy to do a half hour of yoga, do 2 minutes of stretching. If you don't have the brain capacity to take a new class, watch a 5-minute video on the topic you're interested in. If you don't have the capacity to cook a whole meal from scratch, grab a rotisserie chicken and a bagged salad. Any effort in the right direction, at whatever capacity you have, still moves you toward what you want!

Whoa, according to your vid, I am 6w7 not 6w5. :o even though I am so introverted... But political or corporate stuff was never so important to me, I don't care for global conspiracies, my fears are all on the personal level... And most other points of the 7 wing are true for me, too. Especially the distracting and overeating stuff. But maybe I can just access both wings. The whole video in itself was very helpful and relatable. Thank you <3

I love your videos

42:43 So true... 😮‍💨 - ISFP 9w1

Okay, how do you explain this to someone whose first impression of the Enneagram is that it is "evil"? 😭 A family member of mine sent me a link about the "history of the Enneagram" and why it's demonic. I'm a type 4 INFP and it kinda broke my heart that this person was criticizing an extremely useful tool I have been using the past 4 years for my own personal growth and development. It has helped me SO MUCH to not just understand myself but OTHERS too.

Asian - Its determinisitc. You will always be a failure.

I liked your older videos because you talked to your viewers as though they were intelligent. It just feels like you now talk to us viewers like a “life coach” would to a workplace seminar (which I think you started doing so that makes sense how that would spill over) but there are endless cookie cutter enneagram channels about all the basic, run-of-the-mill stuff. What’s hard to find is someone who cuts all the surface level bull and says thought-provoking things that actually *help* those of us who want to better ourselves. I was really conflicted on even commenting this but I know I’d rather have someone be honest with me if I were in your shoes. I don’t value a lot of people’s insight but I did yours, so much so that after I had my mother take the enneagram test, I showed her a video you did on the childhood experience of a 6 (she’s a 6w5) and I later found out she had, on her own, watched many more of your videos, a lot of which were about my type (5w4) too. I truly can say your videos GREATLY improved my relationships, especially with my mother, and I just didn’t want you to be passing up the opportunity to help others like you did me because you were being generic. I hope you read this knowing I’m coming from a place of genuine care and not one of assholery lol.

I'm a 59 y/o multi-millionaire who never made more than a standard working wage. I just lived cheap and simply and invested in a boring-ass index fund. I need enough to be independent. I seriously downplay myself in public so people will leave me alone. Please step out of my way as I make my way down the grocery store isle. If I have to ask you to move I'll seethe with anger for hours. And keep your dog out of my yard.

I'm new to the world of the Enneagram, but I want to thank you for the great job you do. Your content is so cool and providing me with so much value.

I like the family explanation 😮 sounds right, and I've been learning for a few years!

what's the animal for the "6"?